Husband:
One night as I lay down just about to close my eyes
I hears this weird low buzzing sound outside, woh
So I got outta bed, put my nightcap on my head
To see just what was making that strange noise
What could it be?
(stylophone half solo by the wife...)
My wife plays stylophone when she's with me here at home
It drives me crazy every single time
But what I did that night gave us both a helluva fright
Cos she went crashing down the stairs so fast
And so I asked...

Chorus
Did ye gie yersel a sairyin
Did ye gie yersel a sairyin
Did ye gie yersel a sairyin,  Ma poor wee lovely wife
Have you broken any bones dear?
Have you still got all your teeth dear? 
And can you still pick up your precious stylophone?
Solos

Wife:
I was sitting on the stairs just about to say my prayers
When I hear these footsteps coming round near me
Well I got such a shock I banged my head against the clock
And fell right down the stairs right to the end
And all he asked was...
Chorus

(Quiet verse)
Well my wife and I have split since that night when it was shit
I hear that she's still living on her own
So I've got some advice for those who think all wives are nice
Don't ever give your wife a stylophone
Or else you'll see...

Chorus 
She'll gie yeez aw a sairyin
Your ears will all be gowpin
While her stylophone is humming  You'll no get any peace
Have you lost your sense of hearing?
Have your ears started bleeding?
Has yer hair started receding?
Are you coming out in plooks?